I wonder where you are now. I guess I could search social media, but a public profile can only tell so much. I can’t think about Boston without thinking of you. The city, not the band. We all thought we were so grown up going across the country on that trip. But looking back now, we were just kids. We all had his awestruck wonder in our eyes. We were completely mesmerized by landmarks and historical facts that we had only read about in books. Walking on the revolutionary battlefields, retracing Paul Revere’s trail, seeing the Green Monster, touring the shipyard, and Nathaniel Hawthorne’s gabled home. This was before the time of fancy digital cameras. At seventeen, we all carried cheap disposable ones. The kind of cameras that you hoped captured the moment, the kind of pictures you had to wait for to be developed. There were always surprise pictures on there and plenty of thumbs in the way.
Your favorite landmark was Castle Rock. It was a bunch of jagged rocks that looked like they were tossed out into the sea. We all climbed them as best we could and sat on top of them like we were the kings and queens of the world. We climbed to the top of the rocks right as the chill in the air grew. You weren’t ready to leave when everyone else was, so I stayed so you wouldn’t be alone. There wasn’t anything to say, but when you broke the comfortable silence, your words stuck with me.
“It goes on forever, doesn’t it?” You weren’t looking for a response, and I didn’t feel pressured to give one.
Almost two decades later, after almost twenty years worth of fun memories, you’re so far away. Years ago you chose a different side. It was a situation that really didn’t involve either of us, but you chose the other side and I made my choice, too. It turned out that I had chosen the correct side, but I don’t think right or wrong mattered in that moment. You made your decision and you have stuck with it all these years later. There had to be something else going on. We were good friends, at least we had been, and you cut the cord so easily. Over a guy who didn’t care a thing about anyone but himself. You chose sides and even though it’s been years, you still haven’t apologized, and neither have I. I don’t even know what there would be to apologize for. I wouldn’t say that I’m looking for an apology, per se. Or maybe I am. Not because I want so desperately to be right, but because I hate tiptoeing around when people bring you up.
I just miss you. I hear that you’re still searching for your purpose. That you are still searching for joy and whatever it is that can fill those empty parts of your soul with.
Maybe that’s what you meant when we were teenagers sitting on the rocks in the sea. Grief, love, pride, anger; they all go on forever, don’t they?